Pokemon Unedited
by Equilibriumist
Summary: Warning! This fanfic is rated R for a reason! Viewer discretion advised. This portrays an unedited verison of the television series. Cursing, minimal violence, and the implimation of sexual content. Hilarious.
1. The Begining

This is quite possibly the best Pokemon fan fiction you'll ever read.

This is what really happened during Ash's first day of being a Pokemon trainer.

**WARNING- **This story DOES contain content no suitable for younger viewers. Do not take me responsible for damage caused by this story. It is meant to be funny, so it is funny. Notice the "R" rating.

"Ring, Ring!"

"God dammit!" Ash yelled towards his annoying alarm clock, and hastily throws it out his bedroom window, hitting a car and causing a gargantuan wreck. Peoples' screams and shouts are audible from far away. Explosions rock the town every few seconds.

"What the hell! I'm trying to sleep!" Ash screams out his window trying to quiet the mayhem.

Two hours later, after the emergency clean-up crew has taken care of the cars and dead bodies, Ash finds out that he overslept his first day of being a Pokemon trainer.

"Dammit mom! What the hell! Why the heck didn't you wake me up! God!

I'm trying to be a fricken Pokemon trainer, here!" Ash complains to his mother.

Mrs. Ketchum, crying, lifts her head and stares at Ash. A solemn look is stretched across her face.

"Honey, your dad was in a large car wreck. He didn't survive…"

"So." Ash replied. "I'm talking about me here! God, you could've at least woken me up! Maybe I'm more important than my dad's life! God!"

And Ash storms out the house, headed to a large laboratory. There, he was going to get his first Pokemon.

While on the way there, a small, pitiful beggar walks up to Ash and quietly asks for some money or food.

"What the hell! God, does it look like I care!" Ash kicks the old man in the groin and walks off, leaving the man to cry in pain.

Once at the large, white, anonymous building, Ash begins to walk through the doors. Alas, the guard standing post at the entrance stops him.

"I'm sorry, but I can't allow you to enter. Professor Oak is not to see anyone at this time." The guard announces and rolls his eyes.

Ash, being the badass he is, is pissed. He quickly devises a plan.

"Help! Rape! He's trying to molest me!" Ash screams, and two policemen quickly run up to the innocent guard and beat him with their nightsticks.

After not long, the policemen stop and look at the heap of a man hunched in the fetal position.

"Thanks." Ash says, and walks into the laboratory.

Ash walks up to professor Oak's office and beats wildly on the door.

After waiting a few seconds he gets pissed once again and storms into the office.

Oak, obviously preoccupied with a prostitute, just looks at Ash and continues with his job. Ash just sits down in a chair and watches.

After a few minutes, Oak is annoyed and asks if Ash minds. Ash says no and continues watching.

When Oak is done, the prostitute leaves and Oak begins to chat with

Ash.

"What are you doing here?" He asks.

"I've come for my first Pokemon, of course!" Ash replies cheerfully.

"Too bad you little brat! I done gave all of my stupid pieces of shits away to all the stupid brats a couple of hours ago! Your too late!"

Ash just looks at Oak and picks up a nearby chair.

After a long…negotiation… Oak agrees to give Ash a Pokemon. A Pokemon he found living in his wall.

"Ha! The jokes on the brat!" Oak thought. It was an unruly beast of a mouse that could not be tamed. Oak tried desperately to get rid of it but not even the beggar outside would take it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon or the rest of the characters mentioned in the story. If this story is actually posted, I'll write more chapters.


	2. Ash Continues

I'm trying to follow the Pokemon Television series with my fan fictions. This is the second part of my series following the episodes.

**WARNING- **This story DOES contain content no suitable for younger viewers. Do not take me responsible for damage caused by this story. It is meant to be funny, so it is funny. Notice the "R" rating. Oh yeah. I don't own Pokemon…

"What the hell! Listen to me! You're _my _Pokemon!" Ash was barking orders towards his unlovable Pikachu he received from Professor Oak after a brief… negotiation.

Ash was sitting on a dirt road right outside of Pellet town. He was _trying_ to maneuver his Pokemon to the next town to continue his quest to get the next gym badge.

"You know what? Fuck you. Did you hear that? FUCK YOU!" Ash storms off leaving the small fragile Pokemon all alone.

"Aw, look at the little Pikachu! I want to pet it!" Comments a sweet little girl in an adorable pink dress about six or seven years of age. She walks up to the Pokemon and beings to stroke it's small yellowish head.

"PI-KA-CHOOOOOOO!" Shouts the small creature and it scorches the young girl's body into a black heap of char. Soon after, (Pikachu was already long gone) the girl's parents see the black char and immediately realized what had happened.

"My…my daughter…" The mom kneels down and becomes zoned out. Staring into thin air. The dad chuckles and walks off.

Pikachu, now a while away from the mom and the daughter, caught up with Ash as he was walking on.

"What the fuck do _you_ want?" Ash said to Pikachu.

Pikachu replied with a soft "Pika," and zapped Ash with a jolt of lightning.

"GawahahahahhaAAAAA!" Ash cried out. "Okay you little fucktard!" Pikachu stopped. "Dammit! Whatever, you can follow me…" Ash began walking with Pikachu beside him.

About an thirty minutes later…

"Take a goddamn piss!" Ash shouted at Pikachu as he sniffed around looking for a place to mark himself.

Just then, a huge flock of Sparrow came and neatly landed in the tree beside Ash.

"Get the FUCK away from me!" Ash said as he shooed the Sparrow away. Then what seemed like the alpha male, just stood there, just feet away from Ash. "Hey! Get. The. Fucking. Hell. AWAY!" Ash ran after it. The rest of the flock attacked Ash. Pecking him, his testicles, and his chest. Everything.

Pikachu saw this and ran to aid Ash. It started raining.

"PI-KA-CHOOOOO!" Huge amounts of lightning flashed everywhere and shocking everything. Dozens of dead bird bodies littered the area. Ash fell to the ground.

Pikachu crawled on the ground to Ash. He started licking his face, trying too revive him.

Ash awoke.

"DID I FUCKING _SAY_ TO FUCKING ELECTROCUTE ME THEN TO START LICKING MY FACE? Goddamn!" Ash got up then walked away. He looked back and saw that Pikachu was crying and hurt. "Alright… I'll help you…"

Ash walked back, picked up Pikachu, and continued his way on to the next town. The rain had stopped and Ash neared a waterfall.

"Holy shit…" Ash muttered under his breath. He completely dropped Pikachu. His new focus of attention was a very attractive girl, sunbathing on the beach of the waterfall. Ash, only about fifty feet away, leaped into a nearby bush, with a clean, unblocked view of the teenage girl.

She had red hair and was tall. She was well built for her age. She was in a bathing suit.

Ash was in the bush committing to a revered sin…

"Oh yeah…!" Ask grunted. But he grunted too loudly and the girl heard him.

"Wh-who's there?" The girl leapt up from her tanning chair and covered herself. "I said, WHO'S THERE?" She walked over to the bush Ash was sinning in. "Are you in here, you nasty pervert?" She leaned into the bush and saw Ash, partially unclothed. "EEK!"

"AH!" Ash looked up. "Hey! Uh…I was itching…"

"Ug, you disgusting pervert!" She replied.

Ash leapt up and dashed to the girl's bike that was parked next to her tanning chair. He leaped on then realized he forgot Pikachu. So he peddled over to him, picked him up and peddled off away from the waterfall.

"I'm…uh…helping my Pikachu! I'll give your bike back!" Ash shouted over his shoulder has he sped off.

_Hehehe. Sucker. "I'll give your bike back!" What a load of shit…_ Ash thought. He snickered. He had a Pokemon, a bike, and ambition.


	3. Massive Erection

**WARNING- **This story DOES contain content no suitable for younger viewers. Do not take me responsible for damage caused by this story. It is meant to be funny, so it is funny. Notice the "R" rating. Oh yeah. I don't own Pokemon…

Ash, carrying his near dead Pikachu on a stolen bike, pedaled towards a hospital as fast as he could. He tried his best to conceal his massive erection after he stole the bike he was riding from a very attractive young girl. He didn't do a good job.

Massive erection.

Viridian City was the first city after leaving Pallet Town. It was a fairly large city like Ash's massive erection. It had a hospital, PokeCenter, PokeMart, a PokeGym, and Ash had a poke-massive erection.

Ash first stopped at the hospital. He walked up to the receptionist at the counter.

"My pikachu is about to die! I need him to be treated!"

"Sir….is that a massive erection?"

"Uhh…no it's just an optical illusion casted from my testicals to seduce you…"

"Oh okay. It's doing a good job. But we don't serve pieces of shit—I mean pokemon. This is a HUMAN hospital."

"God…he's going to die! Please!"

"No sir, I'm sorry."

"Okay ma'am…" Ash turned around and began to walk off. He turned around real fast, "Go pokeball!" And chucked the pokeball at the receptionist and captured her in a pokeball. "What the fuck. Fucking bitch could be caught in a fucking pokeball. What the fuck. Fuck my massive erection."

He walked out and walked to the PokeCenter. Inside, he saw a nurse wearing a pink catholic school girl outfit. At first he thought he walked into a sex shop, where his massive erection would've done him good, but he was disappointed when he realized she always dressed like a whore. Actually he was kinda glad. She always dressed whorey. Unfortunately that did nothing for his massive erection.

Ash walked up to the nurse.

"My Pikachu needs to be healed! It's an emergency!" Then he stopped and realized that this would probably cost him a fortune. "Goddammit, how much is this gonna cost me? I know it'll be a lot."

"Sir, that shouldn't be a problem, from the looks of your pants you must either have a lot of money or a massive erection…"

"It's a massive erection."

"Well, either way, I can heal your Pikachu…"

Five Minutes Later…

"Can you heal him now?" Ash said while zipping his pants.

"Oh yeah…anything for you, Mr. Pika-Penis."

"Stop fucking calling me that! I'm only eleven! You pedophile! I did not sleep with you for the hundredth time! I just showed you the weird scar above my waist!"

Nurse Joy, as she was called, sighed. "Maybe someday..."

Just then, the entire power supply for the city went out and the city was in darkness.

"What the fuck?"

As Ash said that, the glass ceiling of the PokeCenter crashed open and two shadows fell through.

"Prepare for sex..." said the first shadow.

"...And make it double," Said the second shadow.

"It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration, in a woman's separation to increase the population of the whole entire nation..." Both shadows said in unison.

Spot lights appeared from the top of the roof. They began shinning on the the figures.

"What the fuck?" Ash said covering his eyes from the glare.

"We are Team Rocket and we came here to rape every last one of you," said the more feminine of the two. It was a guy.

"What the fuck, are you a queer?"

"I'm Jamie! I'm not queer! I'm a metro sexual, you asshole!" He shot back.

"Ha, drag queen more like it."

"Why you little fucktard! You better shut the fucking shit-covered, god damned asshole you own for a mouth!" Replied a beast of a woman. "I'm Jessie and he's James and we're Team Rocket!"


End file.
